TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from put. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Of course, confident, let us have A different location in which American men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: present Everybody a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based Trump Tower Damascus on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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